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mrwcase
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Name: Matthew
Location: State College, Pennsylvania, United States
Gender: Male
Interests: Jesus, rooftops, music, sailing, poetry, martial arts, the HUB, theatre, late night walks, coffeehouses
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  mrwcase
Member Since:
2/20/2006
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| yesterday i didn't have class or work and i decided not to go to warped tour so i had the whole day to do whatever i wanted....i set up a gmail account and created my new blog on wordpress...its pretty sweet b/c i have some friends that use the same network and we can write back and forth...i don't know why i use xanga....i guess just to capture some of my thoughts....and sometimes when i write, i write as if i'm speaking to an audience, but jordan and breza are pretty much the only ones that reads my blog anyways so yeah...xanga has not proved to be the cool community of sharing ideas, thoughts, and travels as i first imagined
just finished reading Job yesterday....such a sweet book...i read so many things that challenged, humbled, and encouraged me...it has been good to be able to have a thirst for the Word again....when things get rough, its easy to sometimes neglect the very thing you need...things are still rough and seem to be getting worse but after reading Job, i have a stronger sense that no matter what happens, one day the water is going to wash it all away
I go through this cycle of thinking things are bad and then convincing myself they are not....Me personally, I am fine in the grand scheme of things. I eat well, have a nice place to live, and get lots of free water w/ lemons at Panera...but then I remember all of the horrible things happening in my family and circle of friends and everything seems to be crashing down...can i and should i have to be the one that stands strong for everyone? is it cowardly of me to just want to runaway and escape from it all?
i need something to be able to start looking forward to...i need a sense of hope...God has given me a bit of that in close friends and a couple new people i have met...but at times i feel as though he is pretty much the only one i can look forward to and put my hope in...family, friends and boy/girlfriends fail you just as you fail them...but no matter how many times you fail God he is still there waiting patiently w/ excitement like a young man waiting for his prom date to come down the stairs...and just when we think we fail him, if we step back, we can realize that we just put false expectations on him...he never failed us at all
i guess that's what we do to each other as well....we put so much pressure on people to fulfill our expectations of them...so why bother at all right? why make friends? why date? there's got to be a reason...maybe we are trying to fulfill that void that we have with God 'cause no matter how faithful you may be to God, there will always be a need for other humans in your life...sometimes this just frustrates me...i want it to be just him and i...but then again, he gave us each other for a reason.....which brings us back to the "why do we need each other?"
bitterness is subsided at times by glimmers of hope, but then they quickly fade....why do i bother sometimes...i guess we all just want to be happy in the end just like the movies...i saw a movie yesterday in the theater....it was a really sweet movie and it was just the two of us which was cool, but i was torn inside...part of me leaped at the excitement of things working out right and the other argued that it never happens like that.
i've needed a lot of alone time lately...but i'm beginning to feel the tolls of it...i need to go do something fun and adventurous this weekend...i need to start living more than i have been these past couple months
all for now
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| lots of thoughts and emotions have been tossing around all this summer and i've merely been praying for more clarity...not even answers but just peace
i may have experienced a bit of that tonight...i was in the bathroom and then out of no where i felt calmly excited about the missions trip to peru and even a possible future doing missions full-time
i've been contemplating the choice of major once again, but it hasn't been crippling...more exciting, which is good...God is taking away my pride slowly and allowing me to think more logically...sure there will always be what if's, but i have to stop thinking so much and just allow God to search my heart and see what it is that i am passionate and excited about
cool conversations with kate at work about missions to morocco and ministry at webster's...definitely someone who is after God's heart...its so refreshing to be able to openly share faith will someone i barely know yet feel so close to
this summer has been rough, but one thing i have really enjoyed is getting to spend a ton of quality time with breza and harrison...we were definitely tight before this summer, but we have come so much closer since living with each other and just hanging out...we are all so much alike and at the same time so different...its sweet to see how God formulates friendships...definitely two guys that i will be friends with at least until i meet some cute girl (*cough*flowergirl*cough*) and then date her and have no time for them ;)
jordan hooked me up with the rocket summer.....really, really, really, really good...thanks jordan
i had a long night of work, but this cd and God's peace have put me in a good mood which is rare
here's to more good times
and all i have is all of me
and it's all that i can give
our disappointed hearts will heal
our hearts will spill over you, over me, over this | | |
| these past two days have been crazy
i kept running into the same people all over the place...jeff at the hub then at mcdonald's
tracy and connie at the corner room and at macdonald's...lots of fun chillin in a completely empty apartment with the sweetest girl from london...definitely the highlight of the week...ran into the same officer from the fourth on fraser street (that was a close one)
a time i will never forget at panera...we'll see what happens
just lots of things have been happening that are quite out of the ordinary...some are just amazing...and others, not so sure how i feel...for instance, i have met a couple of really cool girls...which has reminded me that i don't have to be bitter about all girls.....another odd encounter was a girl who requested that i give her a kiss when i wear my lip ring...part of me was flattered by me being chosen and by her boldness...the other part; totally weirded out
it was a long freakin day of work and classes...this weekend should be sweet though
not sure if i'm going to peru...might be going to puerto rico and nairobi if things fall into place
here's to things being stripped back down again and being cleansed...it hurts but it'll be worth it
i really miss allie and kenny...but God is using them to do some very cool stuff whether they know it or not...much love
doc | | |
| apparently friendship is worth $120 | | |
| another month down...another due
june had a variety of things to throw at me...some good, some not so much, others i wish i could just forget about
God is preparing me for a lot and i don't know if i am up to the challenge...i feel like he is asking me to tear things out that are deeply rooted in my life...at first i get scared and wonder why i have to strip these things out...then i begin to ask why i am even attached to these things afterall...we become so familiar with people, places, and things that they lose meaning...we forget why we loved them in the first place...why we are so commited to them...i'm at a point where i need to uproot these people, places, and things...i feel like he is asking me to do this but i want to be sure...maybe i'll be able to come back to things very soon, a year from now, or never again
it will be hard...it will hurt...it will be confusing, but i think it will be good...things need to be stripped back down to the basics again...no more intentional hurting, no more confusion, no more games, no more rationalization, no more piling coals into my lap
God, thank you for revealing this to me...give me the strength to carry through and to follow you with an undivided heart...one soley devoted to you | | |
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